Sucker Punch Brings A Knife To A Gunfight

Last weekend, I went and saw Zack Snyder’s new flick, “Sucker Punch”. Like most of you, I’m assuming, I loved “300”, liked “Watchmen”, and thought his 2004 rendition of “Dawn of the Dead” was ok. Not the most consistent director, but you can at least expect his movies to be entertaining. Did “Sucker Punch” hold up? Well…kind of, as long as you have zero expectations regarding a comprehensible plot.

“Sucker Punch” is visually spectacular, just as you’d expect with most of Snyder’s work. The visuals are definitely the movie’s strongest suit, with incredible and unique combat sequences, ranging from killing zombie Helghast-look-alikes (from the Killzone games) in a WWII setting, to fighting gigantic living samurai statues. Now if you haven’t heard much about the movie, you must be asking yourself: “How in the world can zombies from WWII be in the same movie as gigantic samurai statues?” Well, I have no real answer for you. Sorry.

The movie’s sorry excuse for a story goes something like this: this hot blonde chick named Baby Doll (damn, that little girl from Lemony Snicket grew up!) accidentally kills her little sister while trying to defend her from their father’s drunken rage. Pop throws her into an insane asylum and pays off the orderlies to set her up with a lobotomy so she can’t confess what really happened. This is right about when the story stops making sense. All of a sudden, the insane asylum is turned into some kind of hostel, and all the loony chicks are suddenly dancers/prostitutes. Whenever these girls dance, though, they’re mentally transported to this alternate reality where they’re super soldiers in completely unrelated environments. Baby Doll is told by this old wise man, played by Scott Glenn (actually credited in the movie as “Wise Man” according to IMDB), that if she collects five things in these dream states, she’ll be able to escape the asylum; a map, fire, a knife, and a key. Oh yeah, and the fifth item is a mystery, fun! While the girls are in this dream state, they’re apparently performing some kind of seductive sex dance you never get to see (bullshit!), which totally makes sense, right? Following so far? Didn’t think so.

Sucker Punch's WWII Nazi Zombie (Left), Killzone's Helghast Soldier (Right). No one will notice, right?

So if you disregard that garbage story entirely, you’re left with some pretty awesome fight scenes. Like I mentioned earlier, there’s a scene in beginning of the movie where Baby Doll fights these three living samurai statues ten times bigger that her…with a sword. Sounds awesome, until you find out these samurai’s have terrible fucking aim. One in particular has a gatling gun and a clear shot of Baby Doll quite a ways away. As he is unable to hit anything close to her, both he and the other two samurai’s are screwed. Swords totally win in machine gun fights, right?

In all fairness, the fight scenes are pretty entertaining, though the train scene was dramatically less so. It’s good mindless fun for your eyes as you slam down buttery salty popcorn like there’s no tomorrow (guilty!). This brings me to another point: the girls in this movie (Hudgens aside) are WAY too good-looking to ever be in a crazy house. We all know that if you’re an attractive enough female in this country you can get away with almost anything, see Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan if you need examples. Vanessa Hudgens kind of looks like a dog in this movie, too, I’m sorry.

So if you’re looking for some mindless eye candy to keep you entertained for a bit, go check out the film. Just don’t expect to make any sense of the plot, especially the completely out-of-nowhere ending. It’s got T&A, big swords, guns, and some awesome CG visuals. If that’s all you need, go for it. If you were expecting a bit more out of this movie, like I was, then hang tight because I’m sure those fight scenes will end up on YouTube eventually.

Wrecked Rating: 2/5


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About Ivan Torres More Metal Than Colossus.

5 Responses to Sucker Punch Brings A Knife To A Gunfight

  1. Sean says:

    You expected something from the storyline?

    My rule of thumb is when the CG and T&A are this good and overwhelming, the storyline is gonna be as dumb as the hot chicks reciting it.

    Does this movie seem like a video game adaptation? I had to check to see if it was based on a game after I saw the first few previews. Not to mention the plot point of finding several artifacts across a vast world in order to defeat your nemesis.

    Question #2:
    What the HELL is the video game adaptation for this movie going to be like? Will the plot and story progression be so terrible it causes a black hole of half-assed shitty-ness?

    • Ivan Torres says:

      I definitely think Sucker Punch would have made a WAY better video game than a movie. The concept of finding several artifacts, defeating armies of thematically similar creatures, giant bosses, etc, all seemed like Synder was trying to make a movie that appealed to the video game audience… and FAILED. if it was a game, it wouldn’t excuse the abysmal storyline, but at least you could skip the cutscenes.


  2. bogo says:

    the helghast/killzone soldier is actually from the kerberos saga manga.

  3. Scott says:

    I have to say I did enjoy Suckerpunch, as did all my friends who joined me at the cinema. However, I must say I am surprised at the comments and reviews left my several critics and members of the public, it seems that only myself and the friends that accompanied me understood the actual premise of the movie.

    1. The father was trying to kill off the children after murdering their mother to obtain her wealth, that incidentely had been left to the children in the event of her death. Not a drunken rage, pretty much planned and sends babydoll to the insane asylum once his initial plan had failed.

    2. It is as far as I am concerned it is obvious that the brothel does not exsist, it is a way that the main story teller copes with actual situation she is in and for those of you that didn’t get it, the main protagonist is not actually Babydoll.

    3. The reason therefore, why you never see the girls actually dance is again obvious as they never actually do, it is a fantasy to cope with the actual nightmare of the insane asylum and then the other big battles to search for the items are another fantasy contained within the first fantasy. Appears complicated, but to be honest fairly obvious if people pay attention. For example, she stabs the brothel owner in the neck to obtain the key whereas in reality she actual stabbed the head orderly to obtain the actual key.

    Sorry for the rant, but it has annoyed me that alot of people seem to just see this as a T&A film with no storyline which is confusing, but as far as myself and my friends were concerned the fantasies contained within each other were fairly obvious.

    • Ivan Torres says:

      I agree with you that all those points were obvious, and i totally understood them as well, but it doesn’t mean the story was any good. the fantasy within a fantasy was never truly justified in my opinion, as were a lot of the story’s choices. for example, i can’t remember any concrete evidence that supports that the older sister character was the story’s protagonist. when the movie began and centered around Babydoll, only to yank her out of the spotlight at the very end, it felt like a “just kidding, we needed to come up with a twist” kind of ending. it just felt like a deus ex machina totally out of left field.

      and no need to apologize, i didn’t feel like your post was a rant, you were just sharing your thoughts. thanks for reading!

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