Sucker Punch Brings A Knife To A Gunfight
Friday, April 1, 2011 5 Comments
Last weekend, I went and saw Zack Snyder’s new flick, “Sucker Punch”. Like most of you, I’m assuming, I loved “300”, liked “Watchmen”, and thought his 2004 rendition of “Dawn of the Dead” was ok. Not the most consistent director, but you can at least expect his movies to be entertaining. Did “Sucker Punch” hold up? Well…kind of, as long as you have zero expectations regarding a comprehensible plot.
“Sucker Punch” is visually spectacular, just as you’d expect with most of Snyder’s work. The visuals are definitely the movie’s strongest suit, with incredible and unique combat sequences, ranging from killing zombie Helghast-look-alikes (from the Killzone games) in a WWII setting, to fighting gigantic living samurai statues. Now if you haven’t heard much about the movie, you must be asking yourself: “How in the world can zombies from WWII be in the same movie as gigantic samurai statues?” Well, I have no real answer for you. Sorry.
The movie’s sorry excuse for a story goes something like this: this hot blonde chick named Baby Doll (damn, that little girl from Lemony Snicket grew up!) accidentally kills her little sister while trying to defend her from their father’s drunken rage. Pop throws her into an insane asylum and pays off the orderlies to set her up with a lobotomy so she can’t confess what really happened. This is right about when the story stops making sense. All of a sudden, the insane asylum is turned into some kind of hostel, and all the loony chicks are suddenly dancers/prostitutes. Whenever these girls dance, though, they’re mentally transported to this alternate reality where they’re super soldiers in completely unrelated environments. Baby Doll is told by this old wise man, played by Scott Glenn (actually credited in the movie as “Wise Man” according to IMDB), that if she collects five things in these dream states, she’ll be able to escape the asylum; a map, fire, a knife, and a key. Oh yeah, and the fifth item is a mystery, fun! While the girls are in this dream state, they’re apparently performing some kind of seductive sex dance you never get to see (bullshit!), which totally makes sense, right? Following so far? Didn’t think so.
So if you disregard that garbage story entirely, you’re left with some pretty awesome fight scenes. Like I mentioned earlier, there’s a scene in beginning of the movie where Baby Doll fights these three living samurai statues ten times bigger that her…with a sword. Sounds awesome, until you find out these samurai’s have terrible fucking aim. One in particular has a gatling gun and a clear shot of Baby Doll quite a ways away. As he is unable to hit anything close to her, both he and the other two samurai’s are screwed. Swords totally win in machine gun fights, right?
In all fairness, the fight scenes are pretty entertaining, though the train scene was dramatically less so. It’s good mindless fun for your eyes as you slam down buttery salty popcorn like there’s no tomorrow (guilty!). This brings me to another point: the girls in this movie (Hudgens aside) are WAY too good-looking to ever be in a crazy house. We all know that if you’re an attractive enough female in this country you can get away with almost anything, see Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan if you need examples. Vanessa Hudgens kind of looks like a dog in this movie, too, I’m sorry.
So if you’re looking for some mindless eye candy to keep you entertained for a bit, go check out the film. Just don’t expect to make any sense of the plot, especially the completely out-of-nowhere ending. It’s got T&A, big swords, guns, and some awesome CG visuals. If that’s all you need, go for it. If you were expecting a bit more out of this movie, like I was, then hang tight because I’m sure those fight scenes will end up on YouTube eventually.
Wrecked Rating: 2/5