Immortals: An Old Tale Retold With Bullet-Time

Yeah, when I walk around, golden strands of gold shit trail behind me too. But, at least I have the decency to tuck mine in.

If there’s one thing I can’t stand about movies today, it’s not having enough slow motion effects. Let me ask you a series of serious questions: Do you like decapitation? Do you like heads exploding? Do you like people getting cut in half? Do you like Stephen Dorff (of “Space Truckers” fame)? Then motherfucker, you’ll like this movie. If you are familiar with the epic tales and myths of old, you will no doubt spot some inconsistencies with the story, but this is fiction based on mythology,  so we’ll give them a pass.

“Immortals” is presented in a way that allows you to forgive its well-used plot devices. If you can’t get past them, it’s probably because you’re an art school flunky that doesn’t quite grasp that movies are made to be enjoyed and not judged from atop an ivory tower of bullshit, with a sense of smug self-satisfaction.

The movie might seem predictable to the more astute individuals, but let’s keep in mind that most stories created today are based in some way on archetypes born from the old myths of our past. But, who cares about all that crap? What people really want to know is how much ass-kicking there is in the movie. Well, I’m here to tell you there’s quite a lot.  There’s a scene when the Gods come down to fight the Titans after they have been freed from their eternal – huh? – prison and Poseidon is cutting dudes in half  – with a trident, oddly enough – in slow-mo. If you don’t like these sorts of things, you’re a candy ass.

This movie is visually orgasmic. The look and feel of “Immortals” is very much influenced by “300.”  So if you like that style, you will find much of it here. “Immortals” has good pacing and a satisfying ending. It leaves you wanting to learn more about the next chapter in an epic struggle, in a good way, not in the ill-fated “Super Mario Bros.” way.

Super Mario Bros. Movie Poster

This shit makes Uwe Boll look like a God damn genius by comparison...

All-in-all, I find that this film is exactly what I wanted it to be, nothing more, nothing less. While the story is simplified,  this is still a jaunt through the ancient past and the struggle of man to find its place in a world full of larger than life villains and righteous battle. I would highly recommend this to anyone that likes fantastic stories, satisfying visuals and high adventure based on the super heroes – minus the tights – of that time.

P.S. – You get to see some tasty ass and that bumped it up .5 in my book.



One Response to Immortals: An Old Tale Retold With Bullet-Time

  1. CMrok93 says:

    It’s probably one of the best-looking films of the whole year (yet, I still haven’t seen Tree of Life) and the action is awesome and in-you-face which is something I always like. The story dragged on a bit and I couldn’t help but think that if the writing was a tweaked a little better, this would have definitely been a very solid film. Instead it was just fun and pretty to look at. Good review.

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